25, September, 2012
Volume I, Issue 4
URINEALYSIS
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
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A Blonde Buys A TV
One day, a blonde goes into a store. She gets an item and walks up to the cashier. She says,"I'd like to buy this TV".
He says,"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes".
The next day, she dyes her hair red and goes back in the store, but the same thing happens.
Finally, she shaves her head and goes back in. When she tries to buy it for the third time, the man refuses.
She says, "How the hell do you know I'm blonde?".
He replied, "First of all, that's a microwave."
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Shopping For Husband
A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"
The fourth floor sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.
"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.
"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
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Caught speeding
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The first officer is stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license,that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.
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FUN FACTS
Fun Facts that you always wanted to know ........!!!
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
The strongest muscle in proportion to its size in the human body is the tongue.
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
A person cannot taste food unless it is mixed with saliva. For example, if strong-tasting substance like salt is placed on a dry tongue, the taste buds will not be able to taste it. As soon as a drop of saliva is added and the salt is dissolved, however, a definite taste sensation results. This is true for all foods. Try it!
The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself
Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the palms of their hands.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
Dogs have four toes on their hind feet, and five on their front feet.
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Elephants are the only mamals that can't jump.
Starfish don't have brains.
Polar bears are left handed.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
An ostrich's eye is bigger that it's brain.
The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.
The fingerprints of koala bears are virtually indistinguishable from those of humans, so much so that they could be confused at a crime scene.
Snails can sleep for 3 years without eating
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PARANORMAN (ANIMATED)
THE team behind Coraline return with another amusingly morbid stop-motion movie that’s both fun and frightening – and it’s certainly one of the best ‘toons we’ve seen this year.
Kodi Smit-McPhee (The Road, Let Me In) voices Norman, your everyday horror obsessed 11-year-old who just happens to be able to communicate with dead people.
Naturally, his psychic abilities make him the butt of his classmates’ jokes and cause no end of exasperation for his dad, voiced by Jeff Garlin.
But the lad’s given a chance to go from zero to hero when his recently deceased uncle (John Goodman) warns that Norman is needed to save his hometown from a 300-year-old curse.
And with zombies rising from their graves and terrifying the locals, Norman and his pals face a race against time to placate a witch who was killed in the 18th Century.
The use of stop motion means the characters have slightly ungainly movements, giving every scene an other-worldliness that increases the creepiness quotient.
It’s also dead funny in parts – particularly Norman’s attempts to retrieve a sorcery manual from his uncle’s corpse. But the film’s greatest strength lies in how it deals with childhood alienation.
Norman, who lives in a rundown town with his family, is a misunderstood and friendless hero who we can all sympathise with.
The PG certificate is appropriate since a movie this spooky with shuffling members of the undead is hardly suitable for the under-eights.But the film’s dim lighting means it’s best seen on a normal screen without darkened 3D glasses.
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BAIT
When a monstrous freak tsunami hits a sleepybeach community, a group of survivors from different walks of life find themselves trapped inside a submerged grocery store. As they try to escape to safety, they soon discover that there is a predator among them more deadly than the threat of drowning-vicious great white sharks lurking in the water, starved hungry for fresh meat.
As the bloodthirsty sharks begin to pick the survivors off one by one, the group realizes that they must work together to find a way out without being eaten alive.
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"Premium Rush" (2012)
The details on "Premium Rush" including a review, photos, trailer, poster and cast for this action thriller starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Michael Shannon, and Jamie Chung.
The Plot: Dodging speeding cars, crazed cabbies and eight million cranky pedestrians is all in a day’s work for Wilee (Joseph Gordon-Levitt), the best of New York's agile and aggressive bicycle messengers. It takes a special breed to ride the fixie – super lightweight, single-gear bikes with no brakes and riders who are equal part skilled cyclists and nutcases who risk becoming a smear on the pavement every time they head into traffic. But a guy who’s used to putting his life on the line is about to get more than even he is used to when his last envelope of the day – a routine “premium rush” run – turns into a life or death chase through the streets of Manhattan.
Movie Review
